昔に書いてたけど完成させずに残ってた文章をたくさん見つけて、すっかり見入ってしまいました。あまり昔と考えていることが変わってないな、と思って少し苦笑です。成長してないのかもしれないですし、変わりようがない部分なのかもしれません。これは２年前くらいに書いたものですが、ちょうど先日も、初対面の日本の大学の方に「先生」と呼ばれて、同じようなことを思い出したのでした。
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就職してから、日本人同士で先生と呼ばれることが多くなった。おそらく適切な呼称がないから「先生」と呼ばれているのだろうが、こんな簡単に先生と呼ばれて良いのだろうかとドキドキしてしまう。「先生」というのは自分には特別な呼称だからである。
「先生」が特別な言葉になったのは、中学校の反抗期にさかのぼる。
中学・高校生の時の自分はひねくれていたのだと思う。およそ全ての子供たちが通過する反抗期だけど、自分が過ごしたのは「しっかり勉強して運動して、社会のルールは守らなくてはいけない」という優等生的枠組みを外れずに実装しようとする、不思議な反抗期だった。社会的な不正義はよくないという価値観は、大人に押し付けられたものではなく、自分で選んだと思うので後悔はしていない。だけど、「反抗」と矛盾しかねない難しい制約条件を伴なった反抗期だったのだろう。結果として変な形で大人に対する反抗を示していた。
親に対しては「親に何か言われることは自分が何かを学ぶ理由ではない」と親をはねつけ、学校の成績を親に報告することはなくなった。その一方で、自分の中での態度と行動の整合性を保つために、勉強することを自分に課した。今思えば何とも窮屈な感情の表れ方だった。親に縛られない代わりに、親に縛られてはいけないという思考に縛られていた。今では笑い話になる。
同様の歪んだ反抗的感情は、学校の先生方にも向けられていた。物理的に何かを破壊することはなかったけど、この尊敬できない人の考えを受け付けたくない、という感情を惜しまずに示していた。
そのような一環で、当時は学校の先生方に対して「先生」と「教師」という言葉を使い分けていた。尊敬できない大人を区別したいという意思表示から、人として尊敬できる学校の先生を「先生」と呼び、それ以外を「教師」と呼ぶルールを作った（と記憶している。）そして「教師」には「ものを説明しているだけの尊敬できない大人」という若干の侮蔑を込めていたのだと思う。「教師」と「先生」の境目はおよそ主観的なもので、今振り返れば、自分に教員の多様性を受け入れる器がなかったことも原因だし、大人になった今、周りの大人に完璧であることを求めていたことも理不尽だったと思う。不遜で横柄な高校生に「おう、教師」と呼ばれていた先生方に対しては申し訳なく思う。
しかし今反省しても過去は変えようもなく、自分は数人の「教師」に対して、授業を通して突っかかっていた。同時に授業の内容とは関係なく、話を素直に聞くことのできた「先生」がいたことも覚えている。自分に取って「先生」というのは、当時のひねくれた精神状態の中で、価値観をすんなりと受け入れられた相手であり、特別な意味合いを持った言葉になっていた。自分の好き嫌いが根底にあったとも思うし、自分が「教師」と呼んだ人と「先生」と呼んだ人に、優劣があったわけではないのは、遅まきながら追記しておきたい。
そういう経緯で初対面の方に「先生」と呼ばれると、「いえいえ自分はまだまだ先生になる資格はありません」という気分になる。「先生」になるのは、相当ハードルが高い。そして、実際に自分が教員になることがあれば、少なくとも何人かの生徒にとっては、高校生の自分が感じていた「先生」になりたいものである。
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