動物を使った実験を初めて４ヶ月くらいになります．
この程度のこと――意味のある問題を選び，結果を出し，それを役立てることが大事である――は，良くあるような自己啓発本や，社会人の入門書に書かれていることなんでしょう．一方で，それらが大事であると心から信じるためには，自分には感情の揺さぶりを伴う経験が必要だったのだと思います．自分にとってのその経験は，温かい動物にメスを入れ，流れる血を拭いたこと，毎日術後の世話をしたこと，動物をガスチャンバーに入れ，主体的にペダルを踏みガスを入れて殺したこと，ｎ個の統計的データをとるためにｎ匹の動物を殺したこと，そしていつしかその繰り返しに慣れていると気付いたことです．（動物実験は必要だと思っています．そしてやるならば，本当に意味のあることをやらなくてはいけないと思っています．その一方で，本当に意味のあることとは何か，はまた別の難しい質問です．）
30歳を過ぎてこのような感覚になるのは，恥ずかしながら，遅いのかもしれません．言い訳となってしまうかもしれませんが，もちろん概念としては，問題設定，結果の重要性などは知っていました．これまで研究に対していい加減に取り組んでいたつもりもありません．一方で，命を扱う経験が自分の研究に対する感じ方を非連続な形で変えたのは確かです．このような感覚の変化は，英語で言う KnowからRealizeへの変化だと思います．逐語訳では「知る」と「悟る・信じる」と言われますが，感覚的には，知っている，が，リアル化する／自分にとっての現実になる，の変化です．
そしてやや発散しますが，どうしたら自分にリアルなものが生まれるのか，という別の疑問を持ちました．自分は，生き物の命を自分の興味に応じて自由にできる立場に立ち，そこで精神的な葛藤をしました．そして，他の個体の生命を自由に扱う（Manipulateする）レベルの葛藤と，それに伴う衝撃があって，はじめて自分の感覚が変化したことに，少なからぬショックを受けました．見方を変えれば，これだけの衝撃がなければ，自分の感情は変化しなくなってしまったのか，と思ったからです．
私に限ってかもしれませんが，大人になるに連れて，感情に正面から向き合う機会を避けてきたのかもしれません．世の中を俯瞰しろ，大局観を持てと，誰に言われたのか覚えていませんが，それを優先すべきことだと思い込んでしまったきらいがあります．まるで，風が吹けば桶屋が儲かる全体図を描くために，一歩横にずれて吹いてくる風を避け，いつしか風の感覚を忘れ，風が吹いていることが記号の１つでしかなくなるように，いつしか一次的な経験の重みを軽んじてしまったのかもしれません．当事者になって揉まれることよりも，世の中の動きや，分野の動向を理解しよう頭で考えた結果，本当に心に響く経験を自分から放棄してきたのかもしれません．
しかし結局，自分の腑に落ちているものは，感情を伴った一次的な経験に他ならないのは，自分の過去を振り返ると正しい気がします．誤解を恐れずに言うと，The Economistで世界の貧困に関連するストーリーについて読んだことよりも，自分の手で一匹のネズミを安楽死させ体温の残った亡骸を葬ったことの方が，自分には衝撃のあることです．これは，私の想像力の欠如であり，感受性の欠如の問題でもあります．（例えば貧困の問題は，もちろん問題であって，可能ならば自分の問題として捉えたいと思っているのは嘘ではない，しかしその気持ちがどれだけ強いのかに確信はない．）世の中にあること全てを一次的に経験することは不可能でしょうし，一次経験なしで，心の奥底から信じられる意識や考えを育むにはどうしたら良いか，というのは一考に値するのかもしれません．
結論は特にまとまりませんでしたが．地に足のついた哲学，問題意識を持ち，熱意を持って仕事をしたいと思っています．
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